


chew the scar and spit it out

by urieskooki



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: ?? i guess, Alternate Universe, Blood, Eventual Smut, Gay Bar, Hate to Love, M/M, Slow Burn, Trans Saiko, also ha ginshi almost dies once how fun is that, also hige/ginshi happens briefly sorry, but idk, i suppose you could call it, shao/saiko if you squint haha, these tags aren't in order but neither is my life s o, urie needs a small moment to get over himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 10:24:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7680739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urieskooki/pseuds/urieskooki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Ginshi works at Saiko's gay bar for a living, and Urie just wants to take the stress off by performing jazz covers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	chew the scar and spit it out

**Author's Note:**

> why is this so long omg  
> i don't know why i wrote this all i know is that it's far too long for such a garbage prompt  
> also the entire time i was writing this i had [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTN6Du3MCgI) stuck in my head the whole time r i p me
> 
> me: how abt i write smth that isn't shiraurie for once  
> also me: oh sweet bar au

His father had told him to always be secure in his money, and yet here Ginshi was; jobless, poor, so close to being kicked out of his shitty apartment that he flinched every time the landlord even glanced at him when they passed each other in the halls.

“Saiko… I need a favour.”

...

“You can start on Monday, dumbass.”

 

The Chateau was a bar owned by Ginshi’s childhood friend, Yonebayashi Saiko. She’d inherited it from her mother after she died, not because her mother actually left it to _her_ but because Saiko’s older brother hadn’t been there to take it instead - her mother didn’t exactly support any of Saiko’s choices, namely her gender. Ginshi didn’t like her; she was harsh and rude and had no qualms about publicly “disciplining” (as she stressed constantly, like Ginshi didn’t know what she was really doing) her “son” whenever she felt fit.

And then she died, Saiko got the bar and her life in order and there wasn’t much that was able to get her down then, she said. All she was waiting for was enough money in tips to fund her hormone therapy.

And while she was happily fixing coloured cocktails, Ginshi was lying in a gutter with a knife-wound in his gut.

He’d begged not to die as tears streamed down his cheeks. He’d thought of Haru and his father, and his few friends who’d _left him to bleed out._

There wasn’t a second of his slow and painful death where he wasn’t hoping someone would help Haru when he was gone, hoping someone _good_ would take her in and treat her the way she should be treated. God knows he’d tried his hardest, but it was hard enough working three jobs all at once just to get her through high school. God, the hospital bills were bad enough.

And the second he thought he’d close his eyes for the last time, he felt something urgently slap his face a few times.

“Come on, wake up. Fucking _wake up._ Don’t you die on me, you big bastard. Just wait five more goddamn minutes until the ambulance gets here.”

The voice was smooth but the words sounded like they were unfamiliar in this person’s (man’s?) mouth. Like he was unpractised in speaking so rushed. Like he was used to speaking calmly and slowly, used to thinking his words through before he said them.

Ginshi had blinked awake (alive?) and seen a blurry form above him.

“...Kay.” He’d slurred, still crying as flashing lights descended on him.

He’d believed it was a hallucination honestly, just his body trying it’s damned hardest to keep him alive for Haru.

 

 _  
_ “‘Ey, Saiko, who’ssat?” Ginshi jerked his thumb at the stage where a dark-haired man sat curved like a hairpin over the piano, microphone against his lips like he was hoping it would be the glass of whiskey beside him.

The murmur of a jazzy tune filtered through the quiet hum of the bar and into Ginshi’s ears, along with a smooth voice that would be barely audible above the noise had Ginshi not been listening intently for the better part of an hour. He drunk the sound in and it filled him up till he was full to bursting.

“Dunno. He started coming in a few months ago.” Saiko shrugged, in the midst of pouring some kind of drink - bright blue like her hair, “He’s only here on Friday and Saturday nights.”

_“I would have left the world all bleeding, could I only help you love…”_

Ginshi thought of the mass of scar tissue in his side _._ And then he thought of a hurried voice, forcing him awake and _alive, “Don’t you die on me, you big bastard_ ,” and then he didn’t think (he forced himself not to) about anything but the customers he was serving and the half-full tip jar in front of the register.

“Thanks, it’ll really help Haru out!” He smiled and the man (or was he a boy? He had such a babyface that Ginshi had trouble discerning, but the ID he flashed seemed valid enough) just grinned before gulping down the entire glass of rum in his hand before coughing weakly, like he wasn’t used to the drink (or drinking at all).

“In that case I’d better, ah, order another and tip you again.” He blinked slowly, awkwardly, blond lashes fluttering, and Ginshi felt heat rise to his cheeks. _Is he… ah… is he tryna flirt or something?_

“Thanks, um…?”  
  
“Hige is fine!” He took the proffered drink while the other deposited the correct amount of change in Ginshi’s front pocket. Then, breaking eye contact with Ginshi, emptied his wallet into the tip jar.

“ _Dude…”_ Ginshi breathed, “That had to be a ton of cash, ya gotta take it back…”

Hige sheepishly ran a hand through his dyed hair (Ginshi carefully ignored the tremble in the boy’s hand), “Don’t worry about it, it’s my good deed for the day, right?”

Smile threatening to split his face in half, Ginshi leaned against the counter, “Seriously, this is the best thing that’s happened to me all year, ya gotta tell me how I can pay ya back.”

Then, Hige’s face very rapidly reddened, and he backed away, “Eheh, uh, I said not to worry and, um, thanks for the drink, I’ll be back later! Bye!”

_What a weird kid..._

  
  


“Aura, you have to help me, I gave all my money to the cute bartender and now I can’t buy any more drinks…” Hige flopped onto Shinsanpei’s side, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist, “Give me your wallet. Gimme. I gotta buy another drink from him, I gotta.”

Shinsanpei sighed, but handed it over nonetheless. _Time to help my best friend - who I’m very in love with - get laid… again._

  


“I get off work in twelve minutes.” Ginshi had said, leaning in until his breath tickled Hige’s ear, “And I’ll get _you_ off in less.”

  
  


“Hey, sleepyhead!” Saiko cheered, “Guess who’s late to work! I’ll give you a hint: it’s you!”

Three things occurred to Ginshi all at once: 1. If he was late it meant he’d slept for a lot more than twelve hours considering his shift started at four in the afternoon. 2. He wasn’t in his apartment. 3. He was supposed to visit Haru this morning.

Another glance to the side determined that, yes, he wasn’t in his own bed. He looked up and saw someone frozen in the doorway.

“Heh, morning…” Hige waved weakly.

“...Huh.” Ginshi rubbed at his bleary eyes, “...Saiko, I’m really fuckin’ sorry. I’ll be there in twenty ticks.”  
  
She hung up with a cheerful, “You’d better be!”

“I gotta dash, uh- “

“Yeah, I get it.” Hige stretched languidly, “Call me, yeah? Like, not for sex, I just think you’d be really cool to be friends with.”

Grinning, Ginshi rolled to his feet, “Yeah, man, you seem pretty cool too.”  
  
As quickly as he could, Ginshi threw on his clothes from last night, borrowed some of Hige’s bathroom products to make himself at least a little more presentable before the man in question threw a shirt at him, “It’s Aura’s so it’ll fit. Just give it back, it’s my favourite.”   
  
On his way out, Ginshi poked Hige in the side, “Bye, dude, sorry for sleepin’ in yer bed fer so long. Tell me how it works out with Aura though. From what ya told me last night, I think ya’d be cute together~”

Hige blushed crimson and Ginshi shut the door behind him, cackling.

  


“Shit, I know, I know, I didn’t go home last night.” True to his word, Ginshi rushed into the bar roughly twenty minutes after he’d woken up. He took a moment to throw his apron on and tie his slightly (a little too much for comfort, actually) greasy hair back into a loose bun.

“Oho, so you got laid?” Saiko grinned, seated on the bartop with her Game Boy clutched between her chubby fingers.

“Yes.” Ginshi huffed.  
  
“Well, it’s only your second week _but_ it’s your first offence, so I’ll let it slide this time.” She threw a glittery hairband at him, “On the _condition_ you tie your hair back with this instead.”

Ginshi laughed loudly, “Sure thing, princess.”  


 

He was back. The guy with the enchanting voice whose face Ginshi hadn’t even _seen_ properly enough to discern whether he was attractive or not. He assumed he was, at least. But nameless he stayed. Not even Saiko really knew who he was and she owned the fucking place.

_“I'm crying now, crying as the stars fail to shine”_

He looked sad that day, Ginshi found himself thinking as he polished down the counter and the piano slowed into a clumsy drawl of keys and the dulcet ‘tick’ of a prerecorded cymbal. Thin lips pressed against the microphone, almost desperately, as the man seemed to sigh out great gusts of air with every word that carried every tension, every unsaid thought, every knot in his shoulders.

_“If I drive far enough will I find my love?”_

The piano came to a great stop, a standstill that had an air of finality to it as the man straightened and, adjusting his loose tie and slacks that looked a little too imperfect to be ironed specifically for the gig, he loped over to the bar and looked at Ginshi expectantly. Oh, god, he _was_ cute.

“Uh… Hi?” Ginshi raised his eyebrows, “Can I… uh, help you?”

“...Yes,” He wiped sweat away from his forehead, not bothering to hide his irritation, “Tell Yonebayashi I can’t make it in next we- “ He froze when he caught Ginshi’s eye, “-ek. Also, get me a whiskey.”

Chuckling, Ginshi produced a bottle and a glass with a flourish, “Gonna gimme yer name, huh?”

The man shook his head irritably, snapping, “I’d rather not. The only thing I’ll give you is money, and the only thing I expect in return is my goddamned booze. We done here?”

There was a heavy uncomfortable silence before Ginshi slid a glass full of amber liquid across the counter and received a few crisp bills for his efforts. And, face impassive, the man’s eyes dropped to the jar in front of the register, quick eyes scanning the little card stuck to it. He reached into his pocket once more and dropped a small roll of bills into the jar before slinking off with his drink. _A fuckin’_ **_roll_ ** _, Jesus!_

_‘Hi! My baby sis is in hospital and every tip I get will help me pay her bills!’_

Hands shaking, Ginshi reached into the jar to count the money left behind and dropped it again in his shock.

_Surely that wasn’t…? Hige only left around two thousand but this…? No way._

He checked it again and sure enough… _He really left me ten thousand yen._

“Holy shit.”

 _...Maybe he’s so fuckin’ loaded that ten thousand fuckin’ yen doesn’t even matter. What I wouldn’t give to have my shit_ **_that_ ** _sorted out._

With a great sigh, Ginshi dropped the cash back into the jar and pushed it away, _fuck…_

_Maybe he wants me to pay him back somehow or something? But how could I do that anyway?_

The quiet strumming of a guitar began and Ginshi looked up to see a girl seated on a barstool on the stage, head bowed.

And to his left, predictably, Saiko slid up beside Ginshi and flopped onto him, “Shiragiin.” She poked his side, moaning quietly to herself, “She’s _cute.”_

Ginshi patted the top of her head, “Princess, ya literally own a gay bar.” _Wait, does this  mean smooth, dark, and handsome is gay too? That’s not relevant, shut up._ “She probably thinks yer the cutest lil marshmallow she’s ever seen!” He tried to console her as best he could, “I mean, yer pretty cute, she’ll love ya!”

“She won’t like me ‘cause she’ll probably feel like she’s banging a _child!”_ Whining, Saiko shook her head, ”I want her to sit on my face, okay, but she’d probably crush me.”

A customer a few seats away choked on his drink, spluttering it all over the table, and Ginshi patted Saiko’s head again, “Sorry, Takeomi, I’ll getcha a new one, free o’ charge! A virgin screwdriver, right?”

“Shiragin... that’s just orange juice.”

“Shhh, it makes him feel special ‘cause he don’t drink.”

“Geez, you’re better with customers than I am.” Saiko mumbled, face shoved into Ginshi’s back, “You big fucking bisexual _gift,_ you. I wish I didn’t like girls so much sometimes ‘cause you’re a _right_ catch.”

“Oh, stop it, you.” Wheezing a weak laugh, Ginshi flopped forward onto the counter.

She heaved herself onto her feet again, “Holy shit, when did she take her coat off, why did no one tell me she had _abs, look at those things!_ When I die I want to be buried in her abs, Gin-chan, promise me you’ll do it.”

“Sure thing.” He snorted, sliding Takeomi another glass of orange juice, umbrella stuck into the ice for a extra unnecessary flair. “I’ll bury ya in her abs, don’t worry.”

  


“Haru, I’m sorry, I got - “

“It’s okay, bro.” Haru smiled up at him and instead of relief at seeing her in a stable condition, all he could feel was guilt for not coming the previous day.

He sat beside her, holding out a hand to take hers in and squeeze gently, “How’re ya today, princess?”

Even if she couldn’t feel it, Ginshi knew she appreciated the grounding touch.

“I’m hurting more today. But - But it’s fine.”

Ginshi frowned and opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off again, “ _Don’t worry._ Tell me about your job.”

“It’s nice… Saiko’s a good boss, I guess, gives me as many breaks as I need…” As he spoke, he began to fuss with her sheets, tucking them around her more securely, “I think I made a friend. His name’s Hige.” He smiled fondly, “Have ya met anybody interesting yet?”

“The nurse is nice.” Before this, she would’ve likely shrugged, but with her body so weak all she could do was nod twice before laying her head back onto her pillow, “Sometimes he walks me around the garden and reads poetry. It’s nice.”

“Yeah?” Ginshi kept fussing around, tidying her bedside table.

“I r-really like Tooru, he’s nice to everyone.” With her paper-white face, it was easy for Ginshi to spot the weak beginnings of a blush, tiny roses unfurling on the apples of her cheeks.

“Oho?” Ginshi laughed quietly, “Is that a crush, _hm?_ ”

“N-no!” She huffed, “He’s just nice.”

“That’s the third time ya said he’s nice~ Sounds like a crush ta me!“

They dissolved into bickering, hushed and sweet with laughter, until Haru coughed and Ginshi realised she was getting quieter and softer by the second until her breaths came low and quiet, rattling in her chest, and Ginshi saw she’d fallen asleep. He sighed and tucked her in, praying the leukemia wouldn’t take her in her sleep - as he did every time he visited.

He kissed her clammy forehead, murmuring a quiet “ _love ya”_ on his way out and then he was gone again.

 

_-6 Months Later-_

 

It was no secret that Ginshi was clumsy - in moving, in speaking, hell, even in _love_ he’d find some way to metaphorically trip up and drag everything to the ground with him.  
But the nice thing about having friends like Saiko, Hige, Aura, and, Shao was that they all tried their best to pick him up again. So it wasn’t too bad when yet another attempt at bridging the gap between himself and the jazz player - Urie, he wheedled out of Saiko eventually - was met with a raised eyebrow and silence, or a slowly delivered insult that left Ginshi feeling dejected not to mention _stupid._

Because it wasn’t like he wanted to just… kiss him or something. He wanted to at least be friends with this dark stranger who just happened to have smiled once or twice in Ginshi’s presence (not _for_ him, though) and made his brain short-circuit and his heart stutter in his chest, much like his mouth had when Urie asked for his usual drink - whiskey, plain and simple. (Well, maybe he wanted to smooch him a little bit too).

Usually, anyone Ginshi wanted, he could have. Call it charisma, call it whatever you’d like, but Ginshi normally could bed anybody he set his sights on. He’d managed to pick up Hige, hadn’t he?

Hige had been good in bed, but he didn’t _want_ Hige like he did Urie.

And at least he’d made friends with him, and yeah, maybe the five of them all harbored feelings for someone they thought they could never have (Aura and Shao wouldn’t say who theirs were but Hige and Saiko were _that fucking obvious about their respective unrequited loves)_ but they’d eventually found that friendship was a good method of distraction.

“Ey, Mister Ginshi, you gonna get me ‘n Aura somethin’ good, yeah?” The man in question waved slightly from his place on Aura’s back, legs wrapped around his waist tightly to prevent himself from falling; it had been known to happen.

“Go home, Hige.” Ginshi shook his head, “Yer drunk as a skunk, man.”

Hige shrugged, “Take m’home, Shin-chan, _take_ me _home_.” He clung tighter, shoving his face into the back of Aura’s head where Ginshi swore he could see him smelling the other boy’s hair.

“Oh, dear.” Aura mumbled, cheeks visibly darkening even under his curtain of hair, “Hige, you are very drunk.”

“Hell yeah, I am.” Was all he got in response and Aura waddled off, trying his best to avoid knocking Hige’s head against the doorframe.

He did anyway.

And then there was a slam as the front door smashed open and everyone froze in place as Urie stalked in, practically shaking in his anger.

He threw himself down in the stool in front of Ginshi and that’s when he spotted the blood clinging to the other man’s face and hands, still running out of his nose and onto the counter underneath him. There was a swollen bruise on his cheek, just to the corner of his mouth in a place Ginshi had thought about kissing more than once.

“Don’t just stare at me, I want a drink. Preferably as alcoholic as you can make it.”

Shaking his head to clear it, Ginshi waved away the bills Urie was gesturing at him and pulled out a glass, “I hope ya meant it when ya said alcoholic.” The bar exploded back into noise, affirmed now that Ginshi was attending to the angry man.

“‘Course I did, bastard.”

Ginshi blanched at that, because all of a sudden he remembered where he’d heard that voice before.

“...Say…” Ginshi scratched his cheek as he stared intently down at the glass he was preparing, “Have ya ever… ever saved anyone’s life?”

“...” Urie opened his mouth, shut it, and then he ran a hand through his hair, “Well, I’m - _was_ a cop so you’d expect me to.”

Even as he felt a hot flush crawl up his neck, Ginshi pressed on, “N-no, I mean… did ya ever save _my_ life?”

That earned him yet another raised eyebrow and a harsh, “Do you _expect_ me to remember all the people I’ve saved?”

With every word, Ginshi shrunk in on himself a little more, _I shouldn’t expect him to remember me or anything… Stupid._

“What about this?” However, Ginshi wasn’t one to let something like that put him off and maybe that was sheer stupidity rather than determination, but his mind was made up. So, frowning, he loosened his apron and slid his tee-shirt up to reveal his stomach, pointing at the hard mass of scar tissue puckering the skin there. “Remember this?”

“I never said I don’t know who you are.”

Ginshi’s head whipped up to stare at Urie, eyes wide, “I - I, I -” _Why would you act like you didn’t then?_

“Look, give me my drink and then I can fuck off to the stage and we can pretend I _didn’t_ lose my position in the force because of you and continue to ignore each other, yeah?” Urie reached over and pulled the drink Ginshi had been in the midst of pouring and took a swig, throat bobbing, before he turned and stalked away again.

Ginshi sighed and began to scrub the blood off the counter where it had already begun to congeal.

  


When Ginshi got off his shift later that night, Urie was still hunched morosely over the piano, even if his glass (the last of many) was empty and his bruised and bloody fingers were still on the keys. The bar was empty save for the musician.

“Dude, we’re closin’ now and as much as I’d like ta leave ya here ta wallow, I kinda gotta get ya outta here so I can lock up.”

“Fuck you.” Urie slurred, not even looking up, and Ginshi could have sworn he saw those broad shoulders shake beneath the rumpled, expensive-looking fabric of his button up. “ _Fuck you.”_

Before Ginshi could reach out to him, Urie stood up and bared his teeth, “You - You - It’s your fault.” He leaned forward, breath stinking of booze, and grabbed at Ginshi’s shirt, “Because of _you_ I’m not deemed fit to go back out into the field.”

“I’m n-not -”

“Because _you_ , some guy I don’t even fucking _know_ , had to go and almost die. It fucked me up in the head enough that they decided I’m too traumatised to do _anything.”_ Urie spat bitterly, gaze slipping to the floor again, “All because I pitied you too much. All because you were the fucking straw that broke the camel’s back, or some shit like that.”

Guilt hit him in the gut like a punch (or a knife), and he shook his head, “Listen, I’m sorry I ruined yer life or whatever but I didn’t _intend_ ta, alright? I didn’t even know ya’d come along and save me but I’m glad ya did ‘cause I can look after my sis now.”

That appeared to be the wrong thing to say because Urie’s eyes narrowed, “Fuck off. Fuck. _Off_. Stop making me- Stop making me think I- “

_What was he going to say?_

Ginshi tried his best to extricate Urie’s fingers from his collar but that seemed to prove impossible. Especially when Urie brought their faces so close together that their noses pressed together (and, _God_ , if Ginshi wanted he could have kissed the other man right where they stood). But he looked so _angry_ that Ginshi just wanted to placate him somehow.

“Look, I ain’t gonna say ya shouldn’t hate me ‘cause I’d be pretty pissed if that happened ta me too, but ya gotta understand I didn’t do any of it on purpose.” He flinched at the look Urie shot him, “No, no, I mean it!”

“I know you didn’t and that’s what pisses me off the most!” There was a heavy silence before Urie growled, “Well, not quite as much as - as - “ and, before Ginshi could quite comprehend it, slotted their mouths together.

“I _hate_ you.” Urie murmured between their lips before he tangled his fingers in Ginshi’s hair and yanked their bodies closer together.

Gasping, Ginshi wound his arms around Urie’s waist, eyes closing, _I’ve been hoping for this,_ **_dreaming_ ** _about this._

He felt a calloused and sticky with dried blood hand slide up his jaw, thumb stroking along his cheek.

Smiling, Ginshi tilted his head as he sucked Urie’s bottom lip into his mouth.

Every time one of them tried to pull away to gasp for air, the other would follow, until Ginshi was dizzy, until he finally felt like he really _would pass out_ and jerked his head to the side to suck in breaths between pressing kisses up Urie’s jawline.

Liquid warmth pooled in his gut, ragged sighs escaping his throat.

Saiko had gone home hours ago, and Ginshi really had no qualms about having Urie take him up against the bar.

_You saved my life. I’m here because of you._

Urie backed him up against the counter, warm hands pressed against Ginshi’s cheeks, and, grunting, found Ginshi’s lips again with his own.

They kissed for what seemed like hours, fire on their tongues - or maybe it was just the booze on Urie’s Ginshi could taste - until Urie finally slotted his thigh in between Ginshi’s and pressed upwards in a way that had him inhaling sharply.

“Do that again.” He muttered, panting, “God, _do that again.”_

“Hey, Shiragin, I thought you were supposed to lock up half an hour ago. The lights are still- Oh.”

Ginshi’s eyes widened just as Urie broke away from him entirely, quickly, adjusting his well-tailored clothes, finely woven fabric slipping effortlessly back into place regardless of the wrinkles created by Ginshi’s own body.

“Shit, sorry, Saiko, I got distracted. Gimme a few minutes ta lock up properly.”

Grinning, Saiko snatched her purse up from the counter where she’d most likely forgotten it, “Yeah. Distracted. I’m happy for you, yeah, but don’t forget stuff like this again! This is a business, y’know.” She wandered out, ignoring Urie entirely.

Silently, Ginshi began to wipe the bar down again, guilty, and avoided looking at anything but the task at hand.

_Shit, shit, shit, maybe he’ll stay? I’d really like it if he did… If I could… If I could take him out, show him that saving me was worth it or something. Maybe he’ll see that I can be good enough for someone like him._

He ducked out, murmuring quietly without looking, “I’ll be back soon, if ya’d like ta talk or… somethin’”

He tried not to think about the fact that he didn’t hear a reply.

In the storeroom, Ginshi took a moment to breathe, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyelids so hard he saw stars, shuddering as he curled over in a crouch.  
  
_What have I done? What have I fucking_ **_done?_ **

He shook his head, _no, he kissed me back,_ ** _he_** _kissed_ _me_ ** _first._** _That’s gotta mean something, right? Surely it means he wants me just as badly._

Standing, he grabbed his things in a sort of daze.

After he hurried out to the front, he grabbed a bottle of bacardi and hefted it to his lips (Saiko would have his head for drinking directly out of the bottle, but he wasn’t exactly thinking about that), ignoring the burn in the back his throat before he started methodically locking doors, still carefully avoiding looking at Urie- wherever he was anyway. He’d been completely silent ever since Saiko interrupted them earlier. _Liquid courage and all that bullshit..._

It was only when he got to the front door and turned to look for the man that he realised he was alone in the bar.

 _Oh._ He quashed the disappointment gathering slickly in the bottom of his stomach as he locked the door behind him and walked out into the street. Another glance told him he was alone here too. A tiny part of him had been hoping he’d step out the door and see Urie waiting for him - an unrealistic part of him, maybe, but he’d _kissed me back! Doesn’t that mean he likes me just a little bit?_

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat and began the arduous walk home. _Maybe it was for the best that he left so soon, now I can’t get hurt any more than I already have been, can I?_

He suddenly wished he’d brought the booze with him.

Somewhere along the way, his phone rang and he picked up without looking at the caller.

There was silence from the other end of the line, then a quiet gasp, “Ginshi?”  
  
“Hey, Hige.” Ginshi answered, trying his best to keep his tone light, “What’s up? I thought I told ya ta go home and get ta sleep?”

“...” There was a quiet muffled noise, “Um… I tried to kiss Aura.”

“You fucked up too?” Ginshi rubbed his eyes tiredly before freezing in place.

_“Too?”_

“No, I, ah, did kiss- That doesn’t- What happened?”

Hige choked out a laugh (or maybe it was a sob?), “He pushed me away and said I was drunk. I mean, I was kinda... But even when I said I’ve wanted to do it for years, he ignored me.”

As Ginshi changed his route to Hige’s place (even if he was already halfway home and he’d have to walk back in the direction of the bar to get there), he heard Hige start to cry, “What’s wrong with me, Ginshi?”   
  
“Nothing’s wrong with you, Hige” Ginshi murmured, “I’m on my way.”

“So’s Ginny.”  
  
_They’ve been friends longer than you have, there’s no reason to expect him to come to you first. You’re nothing compared to a childhood friend._

Maybe he just wanted someone to want him first.

“I’ll pick up takeout, yeah?”

“‘Kay…” Hige sighed, “Thanks for dropping everything for me…"

“Any time.” Ginshi smiled softly even if Hige couldn’t see it, “Yer my friend, so of course I will.”

  
  


Roughly an hour later Ginshi was letting himself into Hige’s apartment, bag of Chinese food in one hand, the other arm immediately wrapping around Hige’s shoulders and pulling him in for a hug.

“I’m here, let it out, I’m here.”

With Shao they managed to get Hige to eat something before he passed out between them, clutching each of their shirts in his hands, face still hot and smeared with tears. At least it provided a distraction; if he was busy taking care of Hige, then he could forget about his own problems.

  
  


_ <To: Sasaki: _

_Not coming in tomorrow. > _

With a sigh, Kuki hit send and leaned back in his bed as his bleary eyes slid to the clock on his bedside table. _3.26am._ He shook his head before he finally stood and made his way into his bathroom to clean himself up.

He carefully wiped blood away from his face, avoided touching his swollen lips (he ignored why they were that way) before washing his hands, watching the water swirl red in the sink.

_Stupid!_

He admonished himself for allowing that moment of idiocy, that moment of complete and utter _weakness_ . That bar had been the only place where he could feel at ease - there was no pressure for Kuki to be something he wasn’t. No suits and money and paperwork, _nothing._ No investigations, no crime, just safe. It was peace at it’s finest, the only place he’d allow himself to relax.

A pity it was that he’d gone too far then.

“Idiot!” His hands had started to shake again, more so than when he’d first entered the bar that night.

How he wished he’d stayed away from the bar. Maybe if he’d just gone home after the fight he wouldn’t be in this situation, maybe if he hadn’t risen to the bait, maybe if that asshole had ignored him on his way then-

_“Hey, Urie, don’t tell me you’re really going into that place! You know it’s a- “_

_“A what? A gay bar?”_

_“Yeah… Are you saying you’re cool with that? I mean, their life choices and all but… Wait, are_ **_you_ ** _gay?”_

_Kuki stiffened, “...Does that matter?”_

_“Well, yeah, just saying, but some of the guys might not cool working with a fa- “_

_Seething, Kuki had punched the subordinate then, with all the pent up frustration from years of forcing this part of him down, all the years of insults and forcing himself to laugh at jokes at his expense. He’d punched him so hard that the man had gone down in a heap, clutching at his nose that had most likely been broken beneath Kuki’s fist - the amount of blood staining his own hand told him that much._

_Shit._

_Then, the man jumped up and swung at Kuki, catching him in the temple and they’d dissolved into spat insults and hard punches, acid burning a hole in Kuki’s chest._

_They’d only separated when a passerby threatened to call the police._

**Ha.** Matsuri will have a field day if he hears about this. **If.**

_“Listen. I could have you fired for this.” Kuki had turned to the bastard limping in the opposite direction, “So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your fucking mouth shut. Am I clear?”_

_And his subordinate had nodded and Kuki went on his merry fucking way to go fuck up something else._

Why did he go to the bar in the first place? Easily answered question: That bartender. He didn’t know his name (or didn’t remember at least) but he certainly knew his face - it had haunted his nightmares for _weeks_ before Matsuri had decided to “put down his dog” (that’s what the people at the office said anyway. He had to refrain from reminding them that he was more than the Washuu’s tool).

It was the kind of face that he _wanted_ to know too. Sharply angled and razor sharp teeth, blinking at Kuki with short, coarse blond lashes and eyes that wouldn’t stop raking over Kuki’s body and face.

The worst part of it all was that he wasn’t as uncomfortable as he should’ve been when he was being _openly being checked out._

 _God,_ he disgusted himself sometimes.

 _You know what happens if you get attached._ **_You_ ** _ruin everything._

Honestly, he found himself looking forward to that moment of being inspected, even if it made him as taut as a bowstring knowing every move he made would be seen. But he found himself enjoying this kind of spotlight.

 _Revelled_ in it even.

And then he just hadn’t been able to help himself. It was his own fault for being weak and that bartender’s fault for being so damn-

Kuki slammed his fist into his wall hard enough that the pain in his swollen knuckles doubled and, grunting in pain, he curled over to cradle the hand against his chest. _Idiot._ He watched blood bead on his skin once more before soaking into his shirt where he’d pressed his fist.

He cursed every part of him that had chosen to go into that bar in the first place, every part of him that he’d tried so hard to hide and failed, all because of some stupid guy in a stupid bar took a liking to him even before he realised Kuki saved his goddamned life.

**_Idiot._ **

Gritting his teeth, he scrubbed at his knuckles with the hem of his shirt, trying desperately to clean them.

But all he could think about was the way his subordinate had sounded - disgusted - and how the bartender’s mouth and body had felt pressed against his own. Soft, warm, unguarded like he trusted every inch of Kuki, like every insult he’d spat had been made insignificant the second Kuki had… had _forced_ himself upon him like that.

“Unforgivable.” He murmured to himself, and he tried to forget how the bartender had sounded when he choked out that groan, tried to ignore the warmth building in his gut as he shifted uneasily in his sheets, tried to just _sit still_ . But in the end his resolve weakened _(just this once is okay, but don’t make a habit of it)._

Slowly, quietly, his hand slid down his stomach, thumb deftly popping open the button of his trousers before his hand slid into his briefs. He took a shaky breath before finally, _finally_ wrapping his trembling hand around himself.

_What are you doing?_

A familiar curl of guilt twisted in his chest as he gasped, lowering himself back into his sheets, stockinged toes curling with the hum of pleasure clouding his head.

His lips parted, a soft sigh bursting forth.

_Weakling._

Kuki wasn’t loud. Years of sneaking around with various lovers had left him like this, preferring to keep any noise in for fear he’d be caught.

But still, just imagining himself pressing into the bartender, pressing him down into his bed, licking his way back into his mouth.

He remembered the surprised gasp again, replaying over and over in his head as he twisted and arched into his own hand.

_Fuck._

“Fu- “ He cut himself off, biting his lips together until he tasted blood, thick and sweet in his mouth.

It didn’t take long for him to come at all, embarrassingly, just a few quick jerks of his fist and he was spilling all over it, shame already taking the place of the stars he’d seen.

Kuki wasn’t loud. But somehow he’d still had to force himself to stay quiet.

  
  


The next week found Ginshi behind the counter as usual, pouring a boy who he swore wasn’t old enough to drink yet had produced a _valid_ ID with a small smile before Saiko swept in and excused him.

“Muuchan, sorry for this but my usual guy crapped out on me.”

The boy nodded and took the cocktail Ginshi proffered, “It’s okay. I had nothing to do anyway.”

Smiling at them again, he clambered up the steps to the stage and took a seat in front of the microphone, pulling out a small notebook, “Ah, hello, everyone, I’m Mutsuki…”

There was a smatter of replies from around the regulars scattered around the room, all quiet, like they all knew Mutsuki preferred they stay soft in their responses.

And the whole bar was silent as the boy quietly read his poem aloud, every word leaving his lips like it physically hurt to say..

_Oh. He’s like Saiko… isn’t he?_

But while Ginshi was listening to Mutsuki, he couldn’t help but be disappointed it wasn’t someone else. _Is it because of me? Did I do this?_

But he knew it was - there was no way something like that was coincidental.

No way in hell.

So he quietly disappeared into the back room to splash water on his face and take a few deep breaths to quell the panic rising in his throat.

Mutsuki was delivering the final line just as quietly as he’d begun when Ginshi returned, running a hand through his tousled hair before he reclaimed his spot next to Saiko. She remained thankfully silent but it was obvious she wanted to ask him if he was okay.

_No, I’m not, but I will be._

He smiled at her reassuringly, but the familiar action did nothing to dissolve the sickly feeling in the pit of his stomach.

The audience erupted into noise, claps and cheers, and Ginshi didn’t for a second miss Mutsuki’s flinch when it did. Regardless, he bowed and flipped a page to begin his next piece.

Smiling, Ginshi pushed himself up onto the counter to watch, and beside him, Saiko did the same before she curled into his side, and then nothing could ruin his good mood - even if Aura usually came into the bar around this time to see Saiko, even if Hige and Shao were staying away too, even if Urie had cancelled his weekly routine that he’d kept to the entire six months and two weeks Ginshi had worked there, all because he’d kissed Ginshi in a bloody, drunken haze.

Nothing would be _allowed_ to ruin his good mood, in fact.

He threaded his fingers through Saiko’s hair - loose from it’s pigtails for once - and there they stayed the majority of the night.

 

They only clambered down again when Mutsuki finished his last poem and people finally started coming back to pay their tab on the way out.

A little breathless and a little flushed, Mutsuki took a seat on a barstool in front of them, suddenly shy again, “Hi.”

When Ginshi opened his mouth to reply, he realised he’d barely spoken during his shift - simply nodded to customers and smiled - so his voice was rough with disuse, “Heya, kid, ya did good.”

Mutsuki flushed, “Uhm, thank you…” He paused, a clear indicator for a name.

“Fuchi Ginshi, but ya can call me Shirazu!” Grinning, Ginshi stuck his hand out, “Nice ta meet ya!”

“O-oh, I’m Mutsuki Tooru…” Mutsuki shook Ginshi’s hand, “Same here.”

“That’s funny, my sis’s nurse’s name’s Tooru too.”

“You mean Haru? She’s a lovely patient, but it’s just awful that she’s there.”

And, an hour later, Mutsuki confessed he’d stayed later than he’d intended to and he really had to go home right then before it was too late and Ginshi realised, with the largest grin he’d split all day, that he’d made another friend.

He let Mutsuki go with a wave and prepared to leave - Saiko was locking up that day; she wouldn’t be able to do so the next night as she was going to get her estrogen then.  
  
_“I finally got enough tips to pay for my first few doses, Shiragin!”_

_Ginshi swept her up in his arms, rubbing his chin against her cheek, “I’m happy fer ya, princess. Excited?”_

_She nodded enthusiastically and patted his cheek a few times, “Mmm! I’m going with Muuchan since he’s picking up his T then too.”_

He pulled his coat on and shot Saiko a quick smile and a wave, “Have a good night, darlin’. Don’t be up too late, eheh. Stay safe on yer way home.”

And then as he closed the door behind him, he heard, _“No way, is that- “_

_“Shut up! Before he- ”_

_“Shit.”_

Ginshi blinked as he turned to the sources of the voices and was faced with two people he never thought he’d see again (or maybe he meant _hoped)._

 

_“Give me the money.”_

_Ginshi froze, as did his companions, “We said we’d pay you back later! Shirazu’s gonna get us the money soon, right?”_

_“Y-yeah, I mean, I still gotta pay those hospital bills…”_

_“I want my money. Now.”_

_“Fuck, we ain’t got it yet!”_

_“What do you mean you haven’t got it? I said I wanted it_ **_today_ ** _. I ain’t giving you anything else until you pay up.”_

_“Nah, man, we’ll pay you, just don’t cut us off.”_

_The dealer shook his head and drew out a knife, “Do I have to make you understand I’m not giving you shit until I get my fuckin’ money?”_

_They all blanched at the sight of metal, drawing still closer. Fear turned Ginshi’s legs to ice, and yet he pushed himself in front of the other two with a sharp shout, but that only seemed to piss the dealer off more because he rushed at them._

_Ginshi jolted back as the knife twisted into his gut and he fell, clutching at the wound and then the man seemed to realise that drug money wasn’t as important as actually_ **_killing someone_ ** _, turned on his heel and ran._

_“Shit, let’s get outta here! If we get caught we’ll- “_

_“But what about him? That guy cut him real deep, man.”_

_Ginshi coughed, pleading when he grasped onto one of their ankles - he didn’t remember whose, exactly, “Ya gotta call someone, I’ll- I’ll die like this. Haru ain’t got no one else.”_

_And he’d only been able to watch, horrified, as they shook him off and sprinted out without looking back._

 

“...Shirazu.”

Ginshi looked up, _don’t be bitter, don’t get angry, no matter how much you want to, just ignore them._ Coldly, he nodded, but otherwise didn’t acknowledge them.

They were silent too as he walked past, eyes downcast as if they were afraid to catch his eye (probably were).

Part of him wanted to confront them, ask them why they just _left_ him there in a damn pool of his own blood to die. The other part of him felt justified in ignoring them, _smug_ even. _See if I care._

“Shirazu, man, we’re- “

“Shut up!”

Ginshi kept walking, ignoring them squabbling behind him.

“Shirazu!”

“Look, we’re _sorry!”_

Finally, Ginshi turned around and glared at them, eyes narrowing into slits, “You’re _sorry?”_ He spat, teeth clenching, “I almost fucking - No. I _did_ die in the ambulance neither of ya could be bothered ta call, actually, so go fuck yerselves.”

Angrily, he stalked right up to them, fists clenched, “I’d fuckin’ deck both of ya right now, and I wanna, but yer not worth it. Yer not _sorry,_ yer just guilty.”

Ginshi left, and he didn’t feel the need to wipe his eyes once on his way home - all he felt was a sick sense of pride. He was proud enough, in fact, that he almost completely forgot all about why he’d been in such a bad mood.

Almost.

 

 _“Yer not_ **_sorry_ ** _, yer just guilty.”_ Kuki shrank back from the corner, poking his head around to see the bartender - the men said his name was Shirazu - spit and stalk off, and Kuki pieced together that he was looking at the people that abandoned Shirazu when he was stabbed.

Anger filled him, hot and hard, and he waited until Shirazu was gone before tailing them.

Every part of Kuki screamed _bad idea, bad idea, you shouldn’t do this,_ and yet he found himself clearing his throat loudly to get their attention, staring them down, hoping they could feel the uncomfortable itch of his eyes on them.

One of them turned around to stare at him, glaring, before whispering to his friend and suddenly they were both scowling at him. “Whaddya want, freak?”

 _If you hadn’t left him to die, I’d still be in the field. If you hadn’t left him to die I’d still be doing what I was_ **_born_ ** _to do. If you hadn’t left him to die I’d still be happy._

_If I hadn’t found him he’d be dead._

“Were you the ones that left him there?” He asked, numb, and received naught but a blank stare in return, “To die? Shirazu? Your _friend?”_

He reached out, trembling in his rage, and grabbed one of them by the collar. Furiously, Kuki shoved him into a wall and leaned in close, “Stay the fuck away from him.”

_If it weren’t for you-_

With a growl, he punched the guy in the stomach. Then, whirling around, jabbed the other guy in the throat like he’d been itching to since he opened his mouth.

_If they report this I could definitely lose my job._

_Why am I being so reckless lately?_

_I need to stay away from here._

He backed away, holding his hands up in his panic _(fuck, fuck, fuck, I lost control),_ before spinning around and leaving the two curled on the ground, coughing and bleeding,

So he sprinted home, angry, bitter, and confused. He didn’t go back to the bar that week, or the next.

Or the next either.

  


_Two months later_

One thing Ginshi noticed about working at The Chateau was that there were a lot of regulars; all kinds of people too, some with exciting stories to tell over the countertop, some without, but Ginshi loved to talk to every single one that walked in through the doors. He found assholes rarely frequented, and most customers were pleasant to talk to.

He wiped the dark grain of the wood free of the clinging stickiness that came with beer and drunken people, feeling the thin coating of grime slowly dissipate.

And perhaps, on occasion, Ginshi noted when people didn’t return. And perhaps, a few times, he found himself looking out for someone with dark hair and dual moles under their right eye. Perhaps he listened for a low voice and careful jazz when the room was packed full and yet there was nobody on the stage to entertain. Perhaps he couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault that this had happened.

Sometimes they had people come in to perform, but usually only once, and usually it did not end as well as it would have had they sat at the lonely piano now pushed to the side.

But regardless, his job was wonderful and he woke up in the morning knowing he’d be happy to go to work. Haru was being kept safe, and that was all that mattered.

So as he pushed a glass underneath the counter, he pushed the guilt out of his mind too, filling it instead with the sound of heavy bass and electronic music.

But he couldn’t really help but notice it had been months since Urie had come into the bar, months since he’d pushed him away, months since Ginshi messed up, and it didn’t help that Saiko kept asking him if he was okay _(I’m fine, princess, don’t worry)_ or that Hige and Aura still weren’t talking.

Part of him felt like he deserved it.

_Surely it’s all my fault, right? All my fault for being stupid._

_All my fault._

There was absolutely no reason to get this attached to a stranger, after all, they’d spoken only a few times and each one had been laced with acid that stung at Ginshi’s lips, tongue, ears - eyes too busy capturing every detail in front of him.

It hurt, too much, not enough, and he’d never been so sure and unsure at the same time in his entire life, because nothing about this was _easy,_ nothing about it made sense and sometimes he wasn’t entirely sure whether he wanted it to.

_Where’s the fun in that?_

There was something so odd about wanting something like this to hurt, because god knew he already felt his emotions too strongly on a regular basis, but _this._

It was familiar, this kind of ache.

Familiar like a knife in his gut, or stitches pulling when he stretched too far for a glass of water.

Then the door swung open, and Hige slowly, slowly, _cautiously_ made his way inside, glancing around like he was afraid something would surprise him (probably Aura, but Ginshi hadn’t seen him in weeks either).

He stopped in front of the counter, and wordlessly Ginshi opened the door on the side to let him in. Eyes large, he ducked under and stood in front of Ginshi, fidgeting.

“Uh.”

Hige’s eyes were raw and red, dark shadows smudged underneath them like ink, lips trembling as he shyly reached out to grasp at Ginshi’s shirt.

“He still won’t talk to me.” Voice quivering, he shook his head, “It’s- It’s been _months,_ Ginshi, how do I even make it up to him? How do I fix this?”

Honestly, Ginshi had no clue what to say. So instead of replying, he crushed Hige to his chest in a hug, trying his best just to make him feel _loved._ He clung tight to Hige, saying nothing about the quiet sniffles he could just barely hear over the noise of the crowd.

“I really… love him. Still. Even after... “ Hige trailed off, clutching at Ginshi desperately.

Out of the corner of his eye Ginshi saw the door open, and Aura slunk in with his head down low. Ginshi sighed and carefully repositioned his hoodie around Hige in hopes that neither of the boys could see each other.

Aura loped up to the counter, “Hi, Shirazu.” In his arms, still weeping, Hige suddenly froze, and then Aura was backing away with a panicked gasp when his eyes landed on the tuft of pink poking up from Ginshi’s collar.

“No. Aura, get yer ass back here.” Ginshi grunted and hefted himself onto the counter so he could grab at Aura’s shirt, “Yer sortin’ this shit out, alright?”

Hige shook his head wildly, unknowingly mirroring Aura who was doing the same. _Useless little shits._ Ginshi exhaled sharply through his nose before dragging Hige up onto the counter with him. The angle was awkward and his legs and arms hurt from being stretched out like that, but he ignored the pain in favour of depositing Hige on the carpet beside Aura. With his grip still firm on them both, he hopped down and steered them towards the cleaning closet.

Once they were standing amongst buckets and rags and bottle of cleaning product, Ginshi slammed the door shut. “Yer not comin’ out until ya’ve sorted it, got that? If I see ya leavin’ and yer not happy I’m shovin’ ya back in.”

With a satisfied sniff he climbed back behind the bar, sharp eyes darting to the closed door every now and then.

 

The door was slammed behind them, and Touma and Aura were suddenly plunged into darkness. Fumbling, one of them managed to find the light switch eventually, wordlessly, and flicked it on.

The silence was cloying as they stood, shuffling from foot to foot, and all Touma  wanted to do was break the silence like they used to be able to do so easily. Now it was just awkward, and neither of them seemed to have the words.

After awhile it became clear Aura was staying silent, lips sealed, eyes shut tightly. Touma sighed, and the sound seemed to surprise Aura, because he jolted, eyelids flying open.

“Aura.” Touma took a step closer, reaching out nervously. He ignored the sting when Aura took a step back. _“Aura.”_ He repeated, louder, “Talk to me, come on.”

“No.”

“At least listen to me then? Hear me out, because I promise you that I can explain.”

Aura shook his head again but Touma decided he wasn’t having it this time.

“Do you want to know why I kissed you?”

That seemed to get his attention finally and he looked up, but, _god_ , he looked so small. All Touma wanted was to make him smile again, that soft one that made Touma feel like his chest was full of hot coals and fireworks and every other cheesy metaphor for love he could think of. But all he could see now was pure _hurt_ cracking Aura’s face down the middle, so raw and open that Touma had to force his hands into fists behind his back to keep from reaching up to smooth the furrow between his eyebrows, just visible through the dark curtain of hair.

“I kissed you because I wanted to. No other reason than that.” Touma looked down, nails biting into the palms of his hands.

Aura was silent for a long while, perhaps mulling something over in his head before he opened his mouth, words coming out slow and calculated, “...Is this… a game to you? Is that why you did it?” His shoulders hunched further.

“No.” When he closed his eyes, he stepped back again and pressed himself against the door, terrified of what Aura would say in response.

“Did… Did someone tell you how I feel? And you’re just... mocking me?”

And when Touma looked up he caught sight of something glinting under the shitty light of the storeroom and realised that Aura was _crying, no, no, no, no, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to confess and we’re supposed to be fine and he’s not supposed to_ **_cry,_ ** _what’s wrong with me? Is the thought of me being in love with him so disgusting that he’s_ **_crying about it?_ **

“N-no, Aura, you see… I-I love you.” Releasing the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, Touma sagged against the door with the revelation leaving his lips. It had been filling him up for so long that he didn’t know how to stand on his own with it out in the open like that - so vulnerable without his secret kept inside.

“You _are_ making fun of me!” Aura cried, scrubbing at his eyes with his balled up fists, face crumpling, “Please. I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. You’re - You’re _you_ and I’m _me_ and I _couldn’t help it, I promise.”_

“Wait, what?” Touma blinked, “You- _What?”_

“Someone must have told you that I, um, that I’m… in love with you.” He finally managed to finish, voice quiet. And Touma’s chest was full to bursting as he stepped forward again to claim Aura’s large hand in his own like he’d been wanting to for years.

“I don’t get why you’re so upset, ‘cause I’m in love with you too.”

Then, Aura’s face was screwing up again and he was shuddering, pulling away from Touma and backing into the shelves behind him, “Stop it. Stop pretending for my sake. I don’t want _pity_ from anyone, let alone you, Hige.”

Touma gaped, and then the shock was replaced with frustration, and then anger took its place.

 _“What do you want me to say, huh?”_ Touma exploded, throwing his hands up into the air, “You want me to tell you I see the stars in your fucking eyes? Do you want me to list every single part of you I love? All so you can get it through your fucking head that I’m so _in love with you_ I can barely look at anyone else when we’re together! _”_ Touma shook his head sharply as he pushed himself off the door in preparation to leave, “Because I would tell you all those things if I had to! I just didn’t think I’d have to justify my goddamn feelings to _you,_ of all people, alright? I thought you’d trust me!”

Aura’s mouth opened, but, tired, Touma cut him off, “How long have we been friends, Shinsanpei?”

“F-fourteen years.”

“Do you really think I’m _that_ much of an asshole that I’d mess with you like that? I’m not - I wouldn’t _do that!”_

And Aura was crying again, weeping into his own hands, “I d-don’t - “

“Shinsanpei, please, _please,_ believe me when I say I mean it.”

Finally, _finally_ , he pulled his hands away so Touma could see his red, blotchy face, “You mean it?”

“Yes!” Touma hissed, hastily apologising when Aura flinched, “I love you very much, Aura Shinsanpei, and I really do mean that.”

And when Aura smiled, Touma felt his cheeks heat and knew that, somehow, everything would be okay in the end.

 

After another week passed, and then another, it struck Ginshi that Urie had not come into the bar for a total of three months (not that he’d been counting or anything). Each day, he looked, even if it was unintentionally, and never saw anything to suggest he’d been near the place again.

 

While Ginshi looked for Urie, Kuki was looking for Shirazu through the front window of The Chateau, always catching sight of his back before hurrying back in the direction he’d come like that would ease the itch that he was sure kissing Shirazu would scratch. But, he couldn’t make himself walk in no matter how hard he tried.

 

Sometimes there were nights where Kuki lingered outside the bar, carefully out of sight, silently hoping he’d be caught and he could talk to him. For some fucked up reason he kept fantasising about them meeting somewhere innocuous and in this fantasy Kuki could be able explain himself better and Shirazu would listen to him and maybe they’d work out their issues and maybe Shirazu would let Kuki press him up against a wall in an alleyway. But then he’d blink and he’d be at his desk with a new case file in front of him that he really should have opened half an hour ago.

There was nothing that quite described how he felt, really. There was just the slow, muted _need_ that set his teeth on edge and made his fingers twitch with the need to dig into something soft. He wanted to press his mouth against something warm and _living._ Something that would reciprocate in the way he needed it to.

Kuki pressed his forehead against the wall of his shower, hot spray cascading down his back in rivulets that, thankfully, eased the knots in his back and soothed every ache from the day.

_“Your work is slipping, Urie. I trust you’ll work harder to bring it up again?”_

_“Yes, sir. I’m sorry. I’ll do better from now on.”_

Why hadn’t that been enough? He hadn’t worked hard enough, too many distractions, too much on his mind.

What had once been a source of relaxation and serenity had suddenly changed the second he was weak, and now his work was suffering for it.

He had to fix this. He had to _forget_ about this.

  


Ginshi wasn’t exactly sure as to how he found himself covering Saiko’s late shift (though he suspected all she had to do to get him under her thumb was say ‘estrogen’ and he would cater to her every whim), but he was tired even if his shift had only an hour left, but he’d been there for, like, nine hours and his feet _hurt,_ honestly.

Shao stopped in at some point to bring him some well-needed coffee. He blessed every choice that had ever led to him becoming friends with Jinri Shao, because he swore she was an _angel_ when she chose to be (which, admittedly, wasn’t often, yes).

He tipped the cardboard cup back and the last few drops of coffee slipped into his mouth, and he sighed, satisfied, before throwing the cup into the trash.

_There’s no logical reason for me to like this guy as much as I do. I mean, we barely know each other. He saved my life once and that’s it._

_Do I feel like I owe him or something?_

_No, that’s not it. It’s something else._

_Something bigger than that,_ **_deeper_ ** _than that._

 _Perhaps it’s time to let him go. If I just… Distract myself? It’s so hard to though, I’ve tried, I’ve_ **_tried_ ** _._

_Why is trying never enough for me?_

If he hadn’t been listening, he’d have missed the sound of the piano lid being lifted and propped, a gentle _clack_ of wood against wood. The room was almost empty, both too early and too late for anyone to come in. And when Ginshi looked up, he spotted a familiar hard, lean form that made his breath hitch.

_“I know, I know the sun is hot. Mosquitos come, suck your blood, and leave you there all alone, just skin and bone.”_

Ginshi suddenly felt like crying, and he had no idea why.

As much as he ached to storm over and demand an explanation from Urie, he didn’t. He sat down behind the bar, on the cold tiled floor, and listened. There wasn’t much else he could do anyway.

This wasn’t Urie’s usual style, but the cool and slow voice was still the same against Ginshi’s eardrums. Like balm soothing his chapped lips, or deep purple velvet running across the hot skin of his cheeks. A caressing voice that so greatly differed from the person who owned it.

As the song continued, Ginshi remained on the sticky floor with his head between his knees until he heard the lid of the piano close, finality in every sharp sound. He thought he heard the door open and close again.

Normally he’d come over for a drink after this, _one more for the road,_ and he’d be gone as soon as he came, but this time Ginshi waited and waited and there was no sound from anywhere suggesting he hadn’t simply left afterwards.

_I don’t blame him._

Closing his eyes, he sighed deeply before standing up and turning back to the counter.

“Hey.”

He jerked back and hit his head on one of the shelves in his shock, “Eh, uh, _ow,_ what can I… uh, get ya?” He rubbed the back of his skull, wincing.

“I…”

Urie, because he’d stayed apparently, scratched his neck, suddenly bashful. Ginshi blanched, stammered out a clumsy apology before he could stop himself, and smacked his head on the shelf again, all in rapid succession until he finally just clapped his hand over his mouth and stayed still.

“I wanted to apologise.” Urie finally mumbled, eyes on the ground, “For, uh, running out on you like that.”

That hadn’t been what Ginshi had been expecting; if anything he’d been expecting aggression, confrontation, maybe even blaming _him_ for the incident. Instead he got a pretty pink blush rising in Urie’s cheeks and soft words meant for only him.

“It’s o- “ He almost said _‘okay’_ but, really, it wasn’t at all. Instead he settled for _“apology accepted.”_

Urie’s eyebrows raised at that and Ginshi hastened to say what he’d been planning to for weeks (months), “I, ah, I’m sorry too. I kept pesterin’ ya even though yer not interested. Ya have every right ta be pissed at me.”

Surprisingly, all Urie did was blush deeper, and Ginshi huffed, “What, did I embarrass ya?”

“No.” Vehemently, he shook his head before ducking it, “It’s just- you think I’m not _interested.”_

Ginshi blinked, “Well-”

“ _I_ kissed _you_ , remember?”

Ginshi suddenly remembered that he was still at work and there were customers still milling around, however few, but there were still people there.

“Look, ah, can this wait? I get off in about half an hour, can ya wait that long?” He scratched the back of his neck, “I could get in trouble.”

“Yeah, fine.” Urie looked like he wanted to say something else but he shook his head and took a seat at the end of the bar, hands folded pensively on the table in front of him. Ginshi considered asking him if he wanted a drink, or maybe even just pouring his usual order without asking, but then he decided he’d much rather have this conversation with a completely sober Urie.

The rest of his shift passed with silence and a few drinks made by his steady hands, but he still caught himself shooting Urie furtive glances every now and then, occasionally even catching him looking back (and he’d have been lying if he said his heart didn’t skip a beat every time he did). He still did his best to ignore the tension connecting them, like an elastic band; so close to snapping every step Ginshi took in the opposite direction.

He shook his head to clear it before yawning. As he looked up to glance at Urie, he caught him trying to stifle a yawn of his own _(watching me?)._ Then, Yomo arrived to take over and sighing quietly, Ginshi ducked into the back room to gather his things, reminded painfully of the last time he’d done this.

After checking over his reflection in the cracked screen of his cellphone, Ginshi pushed any doubts out of his mind and made his way over to where Urie was still waiting.

“I’m done.”

Urie glanced up briefly, still as uninterested-looking as ever before standing and shoving his hands into the pockets of his dark trousers, well-shined shoes already leading him out of the bar.

Ginshi just followed, perhaps a little eagerly, and fell into step beside the other man once they were out on the footpath.

“Where’re we headin’?” Curiously, he ducked down a little to look Urie in the eye, “I thought ya’d just wanna talk out here.”

“My place.” Urie’s pretty eyes flickered up to meet his own only briefly before he was looking away again, “That’s… that’s where we’re going.”

Ginshi cocked an eyebrow at that but didn’t object as he followed behind obediently, only just managing to resist letting his eyes drop to the curve of Urie’s ass, straining against the fabric of his dress pants. _Does he not realise they’re a little snug in that area or…?_

_Is it on purpose?_

It wouldn’t surprise Ginshi if someone like that knew how good he looked and used it to his advantage. His form looked slightly on the skinny side underneath his tailored clothing but Ginshi didn’t doubt there were well-defined muscles hiding underneath. He briefly wondered what Urie would look like after a workout (or sex), wondered how he’d look sweaty and flushed, panting and gulping down water like his life depended on it.

And then rapidly tried his best not to think about that when Urie turned to look back at him and he realised he’d stopped walking entirely.

“Sorry.” He muttered and caught up again, the back of his neck and the tips of his ears hot. “...So, what kinda place you got, huh?”

Urie just gestured to one side and Ginshi turned to eye the large, expensive-looking apartment building he’d walked past a few times, each time with envy curdling in his throat. _Shit, he’s loaded, isn’t he?_

He was led into a lobby and from there into an elevator, and then up and up and _up,_ and Ginshi’s suspicions were confirmed when Urie unlocked the door to an apartment that practically _oozed_ wealth. He felt uncomfortably out of place here, with the pristine white walls and charcoal carpets without even a hint of a stain to be seen. Everything was in monochrome, from the immaculate black tiles in the kitchenette to the stiff-looking white couch in the centre of what Ginshi assumed was the living room. Nothing was out of place, everything was clean and tidy and in the middle of this black and white world was ratty Ginshi in his ratty-ass coat and ragged ginger hair, such a contrast that it made his skin crawl.

Even Urie seemed to blend right into his own walls, all sharp and modern angles, clean-cut colours. It felt too cold, too new, too _unlived in_ and part of Ginshi pitied Urie for it - _has he ever known how to feel at home anywhere?_

Something touched his back and he jolted, before realising Urie was trying to gently slide his coat off his shoulders. He shrugged it off and watched Urie hang it up somewhere before gesturing to Ginshi’s boots.

“Take those filthy fucking things off.”

Abashed, he sat and tugged them off, wriggling his socked toes while he shoved the shoes against the door.

As he stood again, he silently wondered what would happen were he to kiss Urie right then and there. Probably nothing good, but it still didn’t stop him from wondering.

Urie beckoned him forward and he hastily followed him to the kitchenette where he was shoved onto a barstool and told to _“stay there”. Don’t worry, I won’t dirty your precious apartment up._

He perched there quietly while Urie bustled about, making coffee by the looks of it, and it felt strange that he was the one seated in a stool while the other made _him_ a drink rather than the usual other way round. As he sat, he wondered why Urie was fussing about so much rather than just getting it over with - _let me down gently, would you?_

“Your name’s… Shirazu, right?”

Ginshi jerked in fright, almost flailing out of his chair before righting himself and nodding a few times, “Ah, technically it’s Fuchi Ginshi but, ah, yeah, Shirazu’s an old nickname that just _stuck_ , ya know?” He rubbed his eyes, “Yer name’s Urie, ain’t it?”

“Kuki Urie.”

“Kuki, huh?” Ginshi rolled the name around on his tongue, sounding it out, “‘s a pretty name.” _Just like you_ , he wanted to say but didn’t, swallowed the words down in the hopes he wouldn’t blurt them out.

He was met with silence, once again wondering if he’d said something he shouldn’t. It felt like every word was a wrong turn; one step forward, ten steps back. It was hard just to get Urie to respond let alone smile or laugh, or _any_ of the things he wanted from him.

Never had Ginshi seen Urie smile for him, and it stung to see him do so for others, like there was something wrong with _him_ that made it so hard for Urie to enjoy being in his presence.

“Look.” Urie turned around with a mug of coffee in each hand (each mug was pristine, shined black without a single chip or scrape - like they’d never been used. If that turned out to be the case it wouldn’t surprise Ginshi in the slightest). “We have to discuss this… thing we’ve been dancing around.”

Ginshi nodded, bracing himself for the worst.

“I _am_ interested in you. A lot. Perhaps too much.” Each word was carefully measured, elegant in the way they poured from between Urie’s lips, and it took Ginshi a few moments to properly grasp what he’d said.

“Oh?” Hope unfurled in his chest, a blooming lily, soft and delicate, brushing the insides of his ribcage like butterfly wings.

“ _But.”_

 _Of course there’s a_ **_but_ ** _, why wouldn’t there be?_

He quashed down the urge to cry, trampled the flower.

“My job is very important to me.” Urie leaned against the counter gracefully, holding his mug to his lips to drink, “And I can’t give you what you want.”

There were the words Ginshi had been hoping he wouldn’t hear, _there_ was the rejection.

That hope was gone and in it’s place was hurt.

“At least ya didn’t let me down publicly, huh? That coulda been much more embarrassing.” Ginshi finally mumbled into the collar of his shirt.

Then he jolted as a crash sounded, and he looked up to see Urie glaring at him, shards of his mug splayed around the sink and in it, where he’d thrown it. Coffee splattered the dark grey counter and dripped down the wall. _First mess I’ve seen here, huh?_

And for a second GInshi could see the hairline fractures in Urie’s shield widening until it crumbled down completely.

“You think I’m letting you _down?_ I’m letting you _go,_ you self-absorbed - “ He took a shaky breath as if to calm himself before continuing, “Did you not hear me before? _I’m_ the problem. _I_ fuck things up.”

Quietly, he began to clean up the ceramic shards littering the counter, and Ginshi wanted to help but he felt like the barstool he remained seated in was an island - Urie was too far away and he was far too isolated in a monochromatic ocean. So he just watched instead.

“I don’t really care if ya think yer gonna mess u- _this_ up.” Ginshi almost said ‘ _us’_ before he realised there was no ‘us’ to speak of, “I ain’t - I get that yer a busy guy.”

“But it’s not just about _you!_ ” Urie snapped, “I keep fucking up at work because I’m too busy thinking about you. That will only get worse if we - if we get into a relationship.” His ears pinked, something not missed by Ginshi’s watchful eyes.

“I won’t hurt ya. If ya didn’t already notice, I’m pretty fuckin’ into ya, y’know.” Ginshi smiled softly, fiddling with his mug, “Don’t worry about that.”

“What happens when I can’t come home for days on end because I’m at the office? What happens when I miss dates? What happens when you’re lonely and I can’t do _shit_ for you because my job is just as important to me as you are?”

The look in Urie’s eyes said _‘it’s happened before’_ but every part of Ginshi screamed _‘I don’t care’_.

Carefully he dropped to the ground, hitting the tile with a muffled sound crossing the ocean to stand beside Urie, “Hey, hey… Don’t ya wanna at least try?”

It occurred to him then that he barely knew this man at all, barely knew more than what he’d seen. He knew that he worked in the police force but he wasn’t in the field anymore, and that he liked to come into a gay bar twice a week to perform jazz covers for a few hours. That was it. There was nothing really there to actually base a relationship off.

Unsurprisingly he found himself wanting to know so much more.

Urie shrank back like Ginshi was hurting him.

“But I _have_ tried before and that’s where I go wrong. I try too much but it’s never enough, _I’m_ never enough.” There was a bitter smile lifting Urie’s lips, resigned, like he knew exactly the outcome should they ever date, “I… I was in a committed relationship for awhile - well, seven years roughly, but in the end he left me ‘cause I can’t do my job and be a partner at the same time.”

He still wouldn’t look Ginshi in the eye, “I tried to make it work, believe me, but I was still in the force at the time and every time I didn’t come home on time he’d blow my damn phone up asking if I’d fucking died or some shit. Actually, he dumped me not too long before you showed up in that street. Said he’d had enough and I had to choose between him or the job. Apparently silence was all he needed. That’s why they shifted me, because that fucked me up and then _you_ had to go and get stabbed on my shift.”

He released a heaving breath, chest falling and then slowly rising.

“If ya want me to go, I will. Just say the word. I won’t bother ya anymore. ‘Cause I mean it when I say I’ll try my damned hardest to make ya understand how I feel about ya.” Ginshi laid his hand flat on Urie’s back, between his shoulderblades where he could feel him shuddering and twitching, muscles rippling. “But if ya want me to, I’ll stay away.”

“No - I - _I was supposed to turn you down.”_ He whispered vehemently, like that would hide how he seemed to almost imperceptibly lean into Ginshi’s touch. “This was supposed to end with you going home and leaving me the fuck alone.”

There was sudden awkward air between them, tension thick enough to cut with a knife.

Ginshi frowned, withdrew his hand, “So ya don’t want me here? “

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then how did ya mean it?” He leaned closer, trying to catch Urie’s eye.

“I - I meant - ... _Fuck it.”_ Then, suddenly, hungrily, Urie grabbed the paper-thin collar of Ginshi’s dirty tee and reeled him in for a kiss. “I don’t want my job to dictate who I can be with.” He breathed out, pushing Ginshi up against the pristine counter _(I thought you didn’t want me dirtying your perfect little apartment?),_ “I don’t care anymore.”

Ginshi gaped a little, eyes wide as he drank in the sharp smell of Urie’s cologne, biting back the urge to bury his nose in the other man’s neck and _inhale_ as deeply as he could. Slowly, he brought his arms up to wind around Urie’s waist so he could tug him closer.

“Yer sure?”

“Of course I am.” He smiled, a small one but a smile nonetheless that made Ginshi’s heart flutter - and then they were kissing again, mouths meeting and disconnecting with quiet wet noises. Involuntarily, his eyes shut even if he wanted to keep them open to see the way Urie’s long eyelashes looked up close, so downy and delicate against his cheeks. He was so _pretty_ that it stole Ginshi’s breath away, pickpocketed right out of his lungs when he least expected it.

Their mouths met again and again, first short and sweet like honey, and then they tapered off into slower, deeper ones that set Ginshi’s heart alight. He pressed still closer, tearing his mouth from Urie’s so he could nose down his neck, mouthing and licking at the velvet skin he found there.

Urie inhaled sharply through his nose, head tilted back, and Ginshi looked up in time to see his eyes slip shut again, cheeks flushed.

“Can I- “ Urie began, fingers digging into Ginshi’s shoulders, “Can I eat you out?”

That alone made Ginshi choke, sputtering for a few heartbeats before he nodded, “P-please, _god.”_

Slyly, Urie wrapped his hand around the back of Ginshi’s neck and brought him down to gently press their lips together, “And then I’m going to fuck you _hard_ when I’m done.” He palmed Ginshi’s cock through his jeans, rubbing just _so_ in a way that had Ginshi biting his lip to keep back a grunt. “‘S that okay?”

“Y-yeah.” He mumbled, dropping his forehead onto Urie’s shoulder, “Please.”

Apparently satisfied with that answer, Urie began to lead Ginshi out of the room to what he assumed was his bedroom. As he walked, he reached up and undid the immaculate knot of his tie, slowly, slowly, _tantalisingly,_ and dropped it onto the carpet. Ginshi followed behind eagerly, achingly hard and flushing just at the sight of Urie undressing.

He calmly undid the top button of his shirt, elegantly thin fingers dropping to the second, then the third, the the fourth until his shirt was undone and that too was sliding off his broad shoulders onto the carpet, revealing a white undershirt that did little to hide how evidently muscular Urie was.

Ginshi swallowed with some difficulty.

“Are you just going to stare?” Urie turned his head over his shoulder to watch Ginshi reproachfully, “Because while I may not have work tomorrow, I don’t want this to take all night.”

Hastily he tugged his own shirt off and dropped it, fumbling fingers working to undo his belt, “Sorry.” He desperately wanted his mouth on Urie’s again and this time he knew he could touch him, so he ducked down to bridge the gap between their lips once more.

Urie let out a tiny mewl, just quiet enough for Ginshi to almost miss before he was being shoved back against the wall and kissed again, _really kissed,_ deeply enough to make his knees weaken.

“If I wanted to I could blow you up against this wall.” Urie sighed against Ginshi’s mouth as he pressed in close to him, hands twining into Ginshi’s hair, “But I won’t… Because I have other plans for you.” He smirked when Ginshi blushed, “I still want to see how well you’ll take my tongue.”

That was enough to make Ginshi’s hip cant up desperately, whining somewhere deep at the back of his throat.

“Hurry up.” Urie pressed one last lingering kiss to the side of Ginshi’s jaw before slinking back and disappeared through a pristine white door, leaving it slightly open in invitation.

“Don’t gotta tell me twice.” Ginshi replied weakly, even if Urie couldn’t hear him. He followed behind quickly and found Urie calmly unbuttoning his trousers, as if the obvious bulge in them didn’t exist. As he slid them down his muscular thighs, Ginshi inhaled sharply, licking his lips, and then Urie was taking off his undershirt, now naked save for a pair of tight black briefs.

He couldn’t help but eye Urie’s body, eyes glazing over peaked pink nipples and hard abdominal muscles, down to the sharp cut of his hipbones and the trail of dark hair leading past the band of his briefs.

Ginshi swallowed.

“Like what you see?”

 _Definitely knows he’s hot,_ Ginshi grumbled to himself as he clumsily stepped out of his own jeans. Admittedly, Ginshi wasn’t in as good shape as Urie was - a little soft in the belly area after weeks of not having the time to work out properly, and there was a large scar puckering his side that he still couldn’t look at in the mirror, still shuddered whenever his fingers brushed over it accidentally.

And yet Urie was looking at him like there was something about Ginshi that was worthy of being _wanted_ . Like _he_ was worthy of being wanted.

“Yeah.” He exhaled shakily, fighting the urge to cross his arms over himself.

“Good. Me too.”

Ginshi was about to bite back something sarcastic but the words died in his throat when Urie leaned in close and, almost tenderly, caressed Ginshi’s hipbone with the tip of his thumb, palm pressed flat against his hip. He gently guided him back until the back of his knees hit the bed before carefully laying him down against the sheets like he was made of porcelain, and strangely, Ginshi knew he should have felt annoyed about that _(You can handle me harder than this, I can take it),_ but he didn’t. Instead he just felt _cared for._

It was strange, this feeling of importance - like Urie was looking at nothing but him. He threw one of his arms over his face to hide it.

Ever since he’d met Urie, Ginshi had always thought he’d be aggressive in bed, maybe even _violent,_ but what he was unprepared for was the delicate way Urie handled him, how gently he pressed his mouth against the scar on Ginshi’s side and ran his tongue along the shape of it like he was hoping it would heal.

He bit his lip to keep in a noise when he felt the slightest hint of teeth, and briefly, hazily, he thought he’d be okay with Urie biting open the wound again if it meant he could have his lips on his skin just a little longer.

There was no rush, no urgency in how Urie moved - all languid touches, like he was savouring every second of this, like he was enjoying himself more than Ginshi was.

“Can you j-just- “ Ginshi mumbled, biting down on his own lip. He couldn’t see, but he felt Urie smile against his skin.

“So impatient.” He tutted, hands splayed over Ginshi’s ribs to keep him pressed flat against the bed, “Just a little longer.”

Ginshi could only huff in response, pressing his lips together tightly to keep himself from complaining. As Ginshi kept his arm over his own eyes, Urie licked a trail down Ginshi’s stomach before sliding his briefs down over his rock solid cock, shaking thighs and down to his ankles, torturously slow in his movements. And then Ginshi was fully exposed and trembling, completely at Urie’s will.

He heard a subdued, satisfied noise and finally uncovered his eyes long enough to look down, seeing Urie with his face red and dewy with sweat, smirking down at Ginshi’s crotch.

 _“What?”_ Ginshi mumbled, maybe a little defensively, “Don’t stare at it like that, it’s puttin’ me off.”

“I was right.” Urie reached up to trail a finger down Ginshi’s length, ignoring the full-body twitch it elicited, “You _are_ big.”

 _“Wh-_ Stop that.” Ginshi sputtered, “Yer bein’ weird!”

Though that didn’t really bother him all that much after Urie chose that moment to bend down and take Ginshi’s dick into his mouth. He inhaled sharply, fighting the urge to reach down to grip Urie’s hair, and instead dropped his hands to the sheets below and clutched them in his fingers tightly, just needing something to anchor onto.

A ragged cry left him when Urie swallowed before letting Ginshi’s cock slide back out, where he ghosted his lips over the tip, licking at the precome that was smeared over the head.

“You can fuck my mouth if you’d like.” Urie’s eyes were dark with lust when they met Ginshi’s, dangerous in a way that made Ginshi suck in a deep breath - it was either that or the fact that Urie just _gave him permission to fuck his mouth, holy shit._

“Fuck.” Was all he could say in response, and then it was just wet heat around his cock and blood rushing in his ears. Involuntarily, his hips bucked up, and he was rewarded with a moan that he felt around his dick in the best kind of way.

When he looked back down, all he could see was Urie kneeling on the ground in front of his bed, eyelashes dark and fluttering against his cheeks and his mouth stretched wide and red, slick and shiny with saliva. He kissed up the shaft, letting the head hit his cheek gently, precome smearing across his skin. And then he smirked wider and took Ginshi all the way into his mouth, so deep that Ginshi could feel his dick hit the back of Urie’s throat, forcing a whimper from his mouth.

All too soon Urie was pulling off him with a lewd wet noise and nuzzling his nose into the junction of Ginshi’s thigh, “Don’t look so disappointed. I promised I’d eat you out, didn’t I?”

He crawled up Ginshi’s body, smirking as he did so, and reached into his bedside table. He climbed back down, stopping to briefly mesh their lips together again and Ginshi couldn’t help but be kind of… enamoured when he realised the taste on Urie’s tongue was himself. _I’m so fucked, aren’t I?_

Once Urie was settled between his thighs again, he carefully manoeuvred Ginshi onto his front, until he was on his hands and knees and ducked his head down to lick over Ginshi’s asscheek. Then, agonizingly slow, he spread him apart and brought his mouth in close enough that Ginshi could feel his breath ghosting over his entrance.

Ginshi tried to keep himself from shifting slightly, but his cock was so heavy between his thighs and all Urie was doing was _teasing_ . He couldn’t help it, couldn’t keep the whine out of his voice when he asked, “ _Please_ can ya j-just- Touch me.”

But Urie wasn’t done, because he simply bit Ginshi’s cheek before laving his tongue over the sting of it, “I’ll touch you when I decide to.” He stated, leaving no room for argument before he licked over Ginshi’s hole - blunt and to the point as always. Ginshi hissed, eyes sliding shut.

Then, Urie spread Ginshi open wider with his thumbs and gently probed his tongue into Ginshi’s ass.

His hips shot forward and a rough growl tore it’s way from his chest, “Holy _fuck.”_

“Good?”

 _“Keep doing that, oh my god.”_ Ginshi heaved raggedly, breath wheezing while he tried to steady himself, tried to ignore the hot throb of his cock, dripping, desperate for attention.

And, thankfully, Urie obliged. Shallowly at first, he pushed his tongue past the tight ring of muscle, in and out, in and out, until Ginshi was a sweating, writhing mess.

Relentlessly, _torturously slow,_ Urie ate him open, watching Ginshi press his face into the sheets below to muffle the whines and moans being forced from him.

Then, with the click of a bottle lid opening, he slid one finger in past the first knuckle.

Ginshi swore sharply and pressed his hips back, begging, choking on his moans, _deeper, deeper, god, Urie, please._ As if he could hear this, Urie slipped in a second finger, stretching Ginshi wide.

When Urie curled his fingers, Ginshi saw fucking _stars,_ white bursting over his vision and his eyes flew open as he gasped. And, relentlessly, Urie kept rubbing at his prostate, tongue slipping in between the webbing of his fingers until Ginshi was so close to coming that he barely had time to shout a warning before Urie was clamping his other hand down over the base of his cock and all Ginshi could do was pant and try to catch his breath.

“Not yet.”

Ginshi almost complained, _almost,_ but then Urie was turning him over again and hovering over his body, slotting Ginshi’s thighs around his waist.

“Can I fuck you now?”

Nodding eagerly, Ginshi watched Urie roll a condom down over himself and lined his dick up with his entrance, still hot and wet from Urie’s mouth. He slicked more lube over his cock before he slid in slowly, lips curving up into a faint smirk that, if Ginshi wasn’t already laying down, would have made his knees give out.

(But maybe that was just the feeling of Urie bottoming out).

“Can I move?”

“Please.” Ginshi half-sobbed, so _full_ as he lifted his own hips up and pushed them down in an attempt to make Urie start fucking into him faster, “C’mon, Urie.”

“If you’re going to ask so _nicely.”_ Urie leaned down to catch Ginshi’s bottom lip between his teeth as he pulled back slightly, tugging it gently. It was painfully obvious that Ginshi wasn’t going to last long, especially when Urie started to roll his hips and just the feeling of his cock sliding in all the way was enough to make Ginshi groan.

Everything was too much and not enough at the same time. His nerve endings were alight, desperate for touch, and he _begged_ Urie to just-

“ _I need it, fuck, please.”_

“What do you need?” Urie tilted his head so his ear was right by Ginshi’s mouth.

“Touch me- ” He moaned, back arching as Urie thrust into him just that little bit harder. “Let me come, _god.”_

Urie bent down to kiss up Ginshi’s shoulder, marking the spaces between freckles with his teeth, and then he was driving into him so much harder, the sound of his hips slapping against Ginshi’s ass so loud in the otherwise silent room, save for their own whimpers and gasps, soft words spoken into necks.

When Urie managed to angle his hips _just right_ Ginshi almost shrieked, white-hot gold singing in his veins, managed to keep it to a grunt by biting into the flesh of his own bicep that he’d thrown over his mouth. His other hand scrambled for purchase in the sheets, thick cotton sliding between his fingers.

All he could see was Urie, flushed and panting above him, shifting Ginshi’s arm out of the way so he could kiss him yet again, like he couldn’t bear for them to separate.

Just as Ginshi’s moans were increasing in pitch, growing that much more needy, _I’m so close, just a little more, please,_ Urie slowed to a stop and buried his face in Ginshi’s neck.

“Hah- ah, Urie?”

“Wait. If I don’t- I’ll come too soon.” Urie shook his head.

“Well, that’s not really a bad thing…?”

“Yeah, but you’re supposed to come first.” Urie finally huffed out, sounding incredibly embarrassed,  “You’re making it really - _really_ fucking hard though.”

Ginshi could only huff a laugh at that, reaching down to palm himself to ease the ache a little, but the laugh caught in his throat when Urie’s hand batted his own away and began to purposefully jerk him off.

“Just give me a second, alright?” Urie panted.

“Yeah, well, I ain’t gonna last a second if ya keep doin’ that.” Ginshi grunted out, biting his lip.

“Sorry.”

“Hey, don’t apologise fer somethin’ like that.” He winked, slinging his arms around Urie’s sweat-slick neck, “I guess I owe Saiko money now.”

“What?” Urie, still inside him, pressed his forehead against Ginshi’s collarbone.

“Yer dick game _is_ bomb.”

There was a short silence and then Urie was rising above him, regarding him with unimpressed look, “You’re a fucking idiot, I can’t believe this.”

Just as Ginshi opened his mouth to retort, Urie canted his hips and tore a harsh exhale from Ginshi’s lungs. With renewed vigour he began to fuck into Ginshi harder and harder, hard enough that all Ginshi could do was hold onto him and try not to make too much noise.

Then Urie reached down and wrapped a hand around Ginshi’s twitching cock and that was all he needed. With a whimper and a full-body jerk, he came hard across both of their torsos, sticky white clinging to the hard lines of Urie’s chest. Urie’s pretty mouth fell open in a noiseless moan before he pressed in close, hips jerking and his fingers digging into Ginshi’s hips, enough that he knew there would likely be bruises the next morning.

“Urie…” Ginshi sighed, oversensitive and still writhing with every twitch of his cock, “Urie, c’mon.”

Silently, Urie bit into the flesh of Ginshi’s shoulder and came, pulsing inside him.

“Good boy.” Ginshi smiled and reached up to pet Urie’s hair while he rode out the aftershocks, exhaling deeply against Ginshi’s skin.

Breathing hard, Urie cautiously pulled out and collapsed beside Ginshi, eyes closed. He waited until he’d caught his breath again before he pulled off the condom and tied it, throwing it into the trash can by the door.

They were silent for awhile, splayed across the dirty sheets, too hot to stay pressed against each other.

“I really wanna go the fuck ta sleep but I feel so gross.” Ginshi mumbled, trying in vain to blow his sweaty hair off his forehead. Snorting, Urie reached over and brushed it to the side.

“Do you not have the effort to clean yourself up?” Urie raised an eyebrow at him.

“Nah. Not really.” He stuck his tongue out. Grumpily, Urie grabbed Ginshi’s threadbare shirt, ignoring his protests, and began to wipe Ginshi’s stomach clean before dropping his head down to hover just above Ginshi’s.

Ginshi shook his head, “Yer cute, yeah, but yer tongue was _just_ in my ass.”

“You were making out with me ten minutes ago!”

“Yer dick was in me ten minutes ago! I ain’t gonna complain when all that’s goin’ on! No, no, don’t drop that on me!” Ginshi clung, arms coiled around the other’s neck so firmly that the other choked.

“Oi, not so tight.” He grumbled before throwing the shirt into a corner and laid back down.

“...How come everythin’s so… sparkly in yer place?” Ginshi rolled onto one side, propping himself up on one elbow to look down at Urie.

“Sparkly?”

“Clean. Like… I dunno, I feel like I shouldn’t touch anythin’, ya know?”

For a short while Urie ignored him, looking at the ceiling “...I’m not often at home because of work. If I’m not at the office, I’m at the bar and if I’m not there I’m at the gym. Honestly, it doesn’t really get dirty because I spend most of my free time cleaning.” He shrugged. “I don’t really notice.”

“Isn’t that lonely?”

“Not really.” But he still wouldn’t meet Ginshi’s eyes.

_Sounds lonely as hell._

But Ginshi let it slide in, because a Urie that was reluctant to talk about something was a snippy Urie, that much he’d learnt. But that was about it.

“Hey, Urie.” Ginshi poked his cheek and he finally turned to look at him, eyes half-lidded.

“What?”

From this angle, Ginshi could see exactly how Urie’s eyelashes hooded his eyes, and he could count them if he wanted to. He could see the texture of Urie’s lips, plush and soft, and he could, if he so chose, duck down and kiss the sharp jut of his cheekbone - so he did, grinning all the while.

“...Does this make me yer boyfriend?”

Urie rolled his eyes before yawning, pulling the blankets over them, rolled onto his side to blink blearily at Ginshi, “If you want.”

Ginshi just grinned.

“Sure thing, boyfriend.”

“...Wait, earlier you said you made a bet with your friend- Does that mean you were betting I _wouldn’t_ be good at sex?”

“Go ta sleep, Urie.” Ginshi cackled, pulling him closer.

 

_One year later_

 

There was something strange about locking the door to his shitty apartment and knowing that would be the last time, knowing Ginshi would never again have jiggle the lock _just right_ to make sure it locked behind him. He’d never again have to squat in his bathtub to wash his hair under the usually lukewarm spray of water that came from a faucet too far down the wall for him to stand under. He’d never again have to walk carefully across the floor to avoid the countless creaky boards.

He smiled softly as he headed to the bar, hefting his backpack (carrying the few things that he’d left in the apartment overnight) onto his back, clutching the straps like a schoolboy on his way to his first day of class.

Later, as he entered The Chateau, he caught sight of some of the friendlier regulars seated at the bar, Yomo leaning against the counter while he talked to a tattooed man - or more, the tattooed man just talked to him, and Yomo stayed characteristically silent, but even from the distance Ginshi was, he could make out a blush high on both of the men’s cheeks.

_Heh._

He left them alone and made his way towards the back of the bar where he found a table full of familiar faces beckoning him to join. Grinning, he slid in beside Higemaru, the boy too caught up in staring into Aura’s eyes to notice Ginshi’s entrance.

Not that he minded - He liked seeing Higemaru this happy.

“Hey, Shirazu.” Mutsuki beamed and waved from his spot, wedged tightly between Aura and Saiko. Beside Saiko sat Shao, staring into the depths of an empty glass. Ginshi decided to just leave her be.

And, god, seated behind the familiar grand piano on the stage was a man so beautiful Ginshi’s heart swelled just upon seeing him. He grinned, more for himself than anything, and received a wry smirk in response. Cheeks warming just slightly, he leaned back in his seat and listened as Urie sung (for him).

_“Whenever I’m alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again...”_

Ginshi rolled his eyes, hiding the full-blown blush threatening to bloom on his cheeks. It didn’t work, judging by Saiko’s giggle at his expense.

He looked away, focused on anything but the dark look in deep in Urie’s eyes, hidden behind the stage-lights, hidden behind eyelids soon enough, when he realised Ginshi was too embarrassed to maintain eye contact with him for that long.

If Ginshi was close enough, he’d be able to hear the beginnings of a quiet laugh in Urie’s chest. If he was pressed securely against Urie’s back he’d smell what had come to be a familiar kind of sweet cologne, maybe even a sharp underlying hint of sweat, maybe even himself in what he’d realised belatedly was his own sweatshirt draped across Urie’s shoulders.

Even after a year it still came as a shock to see Urie in anything other than tailored and pressed shirts with a higher thread count than everything in his closet combined.

He realised a little belatedly that he was staring again.

But rather than embarrassment, all he could feel was pride. This was _his._

Sure, he and Urie weren’t perfect, he admitted that much. He found it frustrating that Urie sometimes cancelled dates because of work, and it frustrated him that Urie felt he needed to make it up to Ginshi whenever he did. Because he knew Urie’s job was important to him, and he understood that. It didn’t quite stop him feeling lonely whenever he woke up in Urie’s bed after staying the night to find him already gone, a curt note on the kitchen counter.

Sometimes, when Urie was staying behind particularly late, Ginshi would call in with dinner and a kiss. Never too long, just enough to reassure him that what he was doing was worth the hours.

_“Look at my handsome investigator, doing so well~ “_

No matter how lonely he got, Ginshi knew Urie never ignored him on purpose. There were cases to solve, evidence to analyse, all that shit he personally didn’t understand.

But every relieved droop of Urie’s shoulders at the meal brought to him, every time he slid into bed beside Ginshi late at night and pressed his forehead into the space between Ginshi’s shoulder blades, every soft apology for not being able to come home on time - it didn’t ease the ache, but at least with this he knew Urie cared.

And then the way he couldn’t meet Ginshi’s eyes, shuffling in place and for a second Ginshi’s chest seized up _(surely he’s not thinking of breaking up?)_ before he murmured, “You should. Um. You should - should move in with… me....?” He phrased it like a question, skin flushed peachy pink down to his toes, and Ginshi smiled. “I mean, it’ll just be easier for you - it’s closer to the bar and you can save money for you sister and - and. I’ll pay for the rent anyway, I don’t care.”

_Is this what love feels like?_

“Okay.” Ginshi grinned, “But I’m helpin’ ya with rent, dumbass.”

 

Eventually Urie got tired of singing and loped over to squeeze in beside Ginshi, hand on his thigh under the table.

“Ready to go soon?” He whispered into Ginshi’s ear, breath tickling enough to draw a tiny huff of laughter from his lover, “It’s getting late.”

“Yeah.” Mumbling, Ginshi dropped his head to rest on Urie’s shoulder, breathing in his familiar scent. “I’m good to go now if ya wanna.”

After a few brief goodbyes, Ginshi soon found himself walking up towards the same apartment building whose inhabitants he’d envied for months and months, streetlights illuminating their way in the dark. It wasn’t cold enough to warrant a jacket yet, just cold enough for Ginshi to drape an arm across Urie’s shoulders under the pretence of keeping warm.

He ignored the knowing look Urie shot him. One that said, _you think you’re being sneaky, you idiot._

They walked up the stairs into the lobby, into the elevator that had become more familiar than his own apartment over the months, up and up and up. Urie’s face was soft when he turned to eye his profile, an expression that Ginshi had come to realise was a mixture of happiness and nerves.

“C’mon, babe, it’s not that big a deal, ya know.” Ginshi reassured, “I’m pretty much always at yer place, now I’m just there permanently.”

 _But what if…?_ The question was at the forefront of both their minds, even if no one voiced it aloud.

“We’ll be fine.” Ginshi pressed his mouth to Urie’s temple, nuzzling his nose into his hairline, “Don’t worry so much.”

And then Urie took a deep breath. Stepped out of the elevator with Ginshi in tow. Stopped in front of a familiar door, a familiar number.

Unlocked it.

Led Ginshi into their apartment.

**Author's Note:**

> listen i know the songs were in english but urie is Emo and i wanted him to sing sad songs ha whoo also i'm lazy
> 
> Songs referenced:  
> [The Drowning Man](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9j53D4o0CfQ) \- The Cure  
> [Honeymooning Alone](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psEYbYxfbNE) \- Bat For Lashes  
> [Mosquito Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aE_3n9tU1_Q) \- Queens of the Stone Age  
> [Lovesong](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ks_qOI0lzho) \- The Cure
> 
> i was going to make him sing smth by the smiths and then i was like .... nah urie ur sad and gay but not That Sad and Gay  
> this was the most pointless thing i've ever written and y e t i still had so much fun w/ it omg


End file.
